Today was the last Open Mic at Harmony of the year. And honestly, this year has brought me so much pain I couldn’t have imagined before. When I heard about the move, I looked at it as a chance to try new things, and make something better of myself. Instead, I have done nothing but see here and wait for it. Maybe it’s the expectations that made me so bitter. I’m tired of just sitting here. I’m so tired of this routine, but i’m so scared to miss anything. I won’t miss anything. It’s the same thing every time. You get there 20 minutes early, River and Morgan say hi and make jokes for awhile, then their girlfriends show up at seven, and they go up to play. Then Amanda, and then Tay, and the ukulele cover guy, and Sarah. And during open mic you start to feel alone and retreat to either the bathroom, or outside, and you sit there. You sit there for as long as you possibly can in the cold weather, and then you go back inside for a few minutes, and go outside again. And when you get home, you listen to Vashti Bunyan, and finish an episode of Glee with your family. Then you go into your room, and you read that same letter that he sent you months ago, and tell him how alone you feel, and how much you miss him. 

Tonight, yet again, I went outside and listened to my iPod, because I was feeling bitter. It was snowing a little, and it was beautiful outside. I would have gotten a picture, but I accidentally left by bag at the house. So, instead, I listened to this song, and sat there and talked for a little while. I didn’t watch Morgan and River perform, because they do the same songs everytime, and I know the lyrics by heart. 

I’m going to Missouri tomorrow. I don’t know whether or not to be happy, or scared out of my mind. What if he doesn’t like these emotions I show so often? He has no idea how alone I feel, nothing at all. He thinks he understands, but he doesn’t. There is noone here that I have to talk to. More than sad, I am alone. 

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